Thus

Written in 2005, originally posted in my Daydreams in the Dark Journal

I opened my eyes to see her smiling at me. Such an innocent smile, pure, unassuming. It is after the earth shattering break up that I met her, and all I could think about and felt deep in my heart at that very instant is…I am saved.

Thus did I know the true meaning of love.

I witnessed the spectacular birth of a star in my lifetime. I heard its first cry as it entered this world. A shriek that will shatter undeserving ears. It has been years since the star was born. And I hear the sweet sound to this day.

Thus did I learn the meaning of joy.

I look into a puddle of water. I see my reflection, muddled, incoherent. Yet the water was calm. I look next into a mirror, and I see the same ghastly thing.

Thus did I learn the meaning of imperfection.

I waited for days for some sort of signal. It did not come. My heart ached as my mind raced from one scene to another. I could not for the life of me understand what I could have done to merit such a punishment. I was left to fend for myself, alone, helpless. I still feel a pang in my chest every time I close my eyes.

Thus did I learn the meaning of betrayal.

I saw black. And nothing else. Even when something exploded in me, I could not see nor hear anything. My arms were swinging. Flailing. Hitting. Until I felt something warm upon them. Dripping. Then a loud thud. And the shouting began.

Thus did I learn the meaning of anger.

I am in a hole. Inescapable. It is cold and I cannot move. I cried and gnashed all about. But nobody came. Nobody could hear me, let alone save me. And it was getting colder still. And the cold moved inside, gripping my heart.

Thus did I learn the meaning of despair.

I cannot see what is ahead for me. Even if I reach out, I cannot touch anything. Even if I move forward there is still a few more steps to go. I never seem to reach where I am supposed to go. And when I close my eyes to try and see what is beyond… all I see is a great cloud looming. And then lightning crashes and destroys what isnt there in the first place.

Thus did I learn the meaning of fear.

And then, when I am about to lose my last grasp of sanity, I am hit by a fleeting, passing, and fading clarity. Like clouds parting, like a hand on my shoulder, a caress on my cheek. A whisper; barely audible, floating in the air, forming into something. Anything.

Thus did I learn the meaning of hope.

Love, joy, imperfection, betrayal, anger, despair, fear, hope.

Thus did I learn the meaning of life.